noun. fate; destiny
“you’re always one decision away from changing your life completely,”
is, i feel, a quote that perfectly encapsulates my current position. high school, college, adulthood, personal life and social life.
do i take accounting, marketing, or fashion? would i like one better than the other? what school do i go to? is college better than university for me? what would my life be like if i chose something else? would choosing one thing lead me to spiral downwards, etcetera. i know im supposed to be making my decision within three months but is three months really enough time to think about my future? what ill be doing in the next four years of my life, which is, by the way, literally worth a quarter of my life? they always say to make a decision that i will like, that i feel is right for me and me alone. but i dont know whats right. i dont know what would be right for me. i dont even know what it would be like to be anything else than how i am currently. and how am i supposed to know? its different for everyone and i cant know for sure.
perhaps im just overthinking. yolo, as they say. maybe i could spend the rest of my life wasting time trying to figure out what to do and whats best for me.
and yolo, as they say; go talk to that person youve been wanting to talk to. send them a text, it can be whatever. how are you, hows your weekend, what are your plans. whether or not you do something youll regret it. youll regret not speaking to that girl you fancy and if you did end up mustering up the courage to talk to her and you embarrass yourself worst case scenario, youll regret it too. so just do it, right? but its not that simple, you cant just do something just because you tell yourself to. thinking is so much easier than actually doing (although my mom likes to argue otherwise. she thinks that i think too hard when it comes to such easy tasks and maybe shes right.)
and my mom always likes to argue otherwise. earlier today i told her, “you and i never hang out anymore. why do you have to live so far away? even when i was younger you always went home late and we didnt really get a chance to talk a lot”
she replied to me saying, “you have such selective memory. we hang out together all the time!” waving goodbye as she drives away to newmarket.
but thats not true. sure, maybe in the philippines we always hung out. but in canada its decreased and even more especially. i used to see her friday saturday sunday when she comes over. then i got my job and i only see her on sundays. but she leaves on sundays? so we only hang out 6 hours maximum probably.
but i wonder what i would be feeling like if i told her id move out with her. what if i moved to newmarket with her. what would happen? would i be happier than i am now? sadder? the same? would i be extremely depressed and angsty? would i be going to a school that i enjoy? would i have found a new interest from this school that i never would have thought id end up liking? and would i have pursued that interest? would my mom and steve break up in two months, just like how it was with her past love? what if i was the problem in her relationships, and this one is especially good only because im never in the picture?
of course i dont actually think the last few ones would be the case. but then again i never know.
recently me and ███ have been fighting. but dont we always? i feel like we always fight. i dont like it. but weve been going through a hump. mostly because of my grieving and maybe its just purely my grieving. but today and yesterday have been really pleasant. today we even called for two and a half hours. and he actually said he was super super happy, happiest hes been in a long while. that actually made me really emotional. i had my epiphany. it was really unexpected that he would be really happy from just calling me. he mustve missed me so much. and he probably loves me so much. and i love him too. and i missed him so so much. i thought i would never have a moment like that with him ever again since its been so bad for a while. i was so scared to lose him just three days ago.
i thought three days ago what would it be like if he and i never met. since he broke my heart i wonder if i would be better right now. but i think im doubting it a lot. he changed me so much as a person and i think id be an asshole or just not where i would be right now without meeting him. but what would i be doing? who wouldve been my best friend?
what if some time ago when we went through another hump i ended our friendship right then and there. i wouldnt have experienced the wonderful two and a half hour call we just did today. i wouldnt have heard him say that this was the happiest day hes had in a while. would i regret it? would i be even happier than i am right now? would i be crying myself to sleep by now, at ten in the evening?
i wont wonder what wouldve happened if i decided on something else. wondering wont do anything anyway. every decision ive ever made has lead me here and right now im happy. right now at ten o’ clock in the evening, listening to beabadoobee’s “the perfect pair,” i am happy and content from whats happened in the past two days. im glad i finally had the time to hangout with my mom. im happy that i got to call ███ and make him happy.