ive never been to a cinema with my friends in the philippines. i only ever went with my parents. when i came to canada my friends here asked me if i wanted to watch a movie with them and i said yes. i was scared, it was scary going to the cinema without my parents this time. i didnt know what it was going to be like and what im supposed to expect. everything was foreign to me. the first movie i ever watched with my friends in a cinema was five feet apart, the movie about the girl and the guy having some sort of respiratory illness and they had to stay five feet apart because of it. i also cried during that movie. i thought it was intimate, not the movie, but the moment my friends and i spent together watching it. i wasnt the only one crying, they all were. it was intimate, and i was afraid of that. i dont like crying in front of people, i hated myself whenever i couldnt control it and let a tear escape from my eyes. i felt vulnerable and i didnt like it. and the intimacy— i hated it too. i didnt like feeling so close with these people. i felt scared. i really felt fear in being vulnerable and in being intimate with them. but watching movies with my friends, i kept doing it. from one friend group to another, with different people, maybe with some new people and some old friends still tagging along, i kept going to the cinema with my friends. i had a friend that stayed with me through many friend groups. she and i would always hold hands in the cinema. we even held hands outside the cinema. it was scary, uncomfortable, and intimate. i hated it but i kept doing it anyway. fast forward to today, its been two years since i ended that friendship with that girl i hold hands with. i havent been to the cinema with my friends in two years. until a few days ago i went with my friend. i cancelled and tried to reschedule with her so many times because i was scared of what was gonna happen. i was scared she would be intimate with me too and, not being intimate with anyone for two years, just a tiny bit of intimacy would terrify me. but, ive already spoiled it, we went to watch the movie titled suzume about this girl and a chair and a door (basically). although nothing happened, i was terrified the whole time. i couldnt even focus on the movie fully because i was just anxious about my friend making a move on me the whole time. i was so scared she’d hold my hand, or put my arm around me, or touch me in any way. i was so horrified i couldnt think. i was shaking for most of the movie, trembling not just because it was a little cool in the theatre but because i was so scared of the thought id be intimate with a friend in a cinema again.